I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize