I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
