He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
