And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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