Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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