Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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