I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We need a shit load of segways right now
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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