i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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