its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize