the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
