Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
