Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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