Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
