I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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