the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
