Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
