the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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