We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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