You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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