Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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