Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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