We're facebook friends in real life
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
