Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Who wears a wallet chain?!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
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