Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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