No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
