I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
