So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
