I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Mom said you looked used
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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