I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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