wakey wakey hands off snakey
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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