my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
