dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
