He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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