By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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