Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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