And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
