my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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