Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
