Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
