Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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