And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
