on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
