Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
