I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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