So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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