The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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