also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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