I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
