Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
