i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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