Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
