there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
