I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
