I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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