consequently i now know what mace tastes like
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize