The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
