Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
This girl is more easily done than said...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize