So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
